Where the rain truly was
by Yui Miyamoto
Summary: Hakkai visits a familiar desert of memories...


**fandom - Saiyuki**  
 **title - where the rain truly was.**  
 **rating - pg**  
 **description – Hakkai visits a familiar desert of memories...**

 **Disclaimer – Saiyuki wa watashi no mono janai yo! And the lyrics are by Sarah McLachlan for 'Fallen'.  
**

/"I got caught up in all there was to offer  
But the cost was so much more than I could bear."/

 **Where the rain truly was.  
By miyamoto yui**

I barely breathe, "Only a little more."

If I push myself as my tired feet persist through the cracked, stoned pathway, then I can make it to the end of the hall. Forget about yourself and lose your selfishness, then you are greater than any human you can ever be. Your selflessness shall be rewarded with that certain grin and all the blood will be cleansed.

Simply, they're wrong and I'm right. They took what was mine and so I shall have to capture it in between my hands once again. Without fighting, there is no gain.

Naively, life is supposed to be equal like that.

I close my eyes as the stench gradually stains all of me. The white of my skin is creamed in crimson of demons that keep you away from me.  
They're mistaken, though. It is only a matter of time until I get to you.

You are all I know in the world. Don't they understand that humans will do anything for what they believe is their ultimate reality? Don't they know that they're worst than demons with the cruelest bloodlust?

"I'm coming, I'm coming…"

I breathe heavily and blink my eyes. I wince and my fingernails rip through the skins of all kinds of colors and I pretend that this is just a nightmare. It is a game to conquer and I will rescue you because I don't want to ever disappoint you.

As I come towards you, I drip in tears and all kinds of liquids I can't explain.

No longer can I feel my injuries.

You are before me, my beautiful one. A happiness greater than Heaven has ever sent. You stare at me with eyes that I've never seen: Hate.

It's my fault that you're here.  
It's my fault that I've not come here faster.

I am too late.

And the only blood that penetrates into me is the one that squirts from your own body as your tears spill to the ground. Out of everything, only your newly awakened blood grates into my skin and poisons me.

*/*/*/*

It's been so long that I've forgotten if I screamed for you, my mind almost not wanting to be given reminders. I've blocked that part out somehow, but your pretty face repeats over and over inside my head. I've turned into this being and it isn't because of you. I've brought it upon myself.

I've been judged and they push me out.

I look up to the sun that bears a red tattoo on my white skin with its scorching lips. Like a zombie, I walk on, voluntarily cursed for all of eternity.

I know what people will say. And I know what they'll do.  
I will infect them because I'm dirty and they'll ignore my stories. They'll only see, like myself, that my hands will never be clean no matter how many times I wash them in water.  
I know they're drenched in all kinds of invisible things.

Now, I slowly walk on and cry without tears because I know what will happen from here without it happening at that particular moment. And still, your face is engraved into my heart, ever before my eyes. You're telling me with those spiteful eyes with a melodious voice and my guilt-ridden vision,

 **"Beauty is only created when something is loved so thoroughly. So, why am I so damaged?"**

I fall to my knees and sob continuously. No longer can I say your name, but the sand stings my eyes. I rub the sand away and scream that there is nowhere for me to go. I can't speak of my past and what kind of future is there for someone like me?  
My fists hit the unstable, ever-changing ground and I bow my head forward.

Who is there to pray to? Who can possibly save me? There is no one but me, isn't there?

"I was only holding and following what I cherished most in my heart, but why was it wrong? Why am I being punished? Isn't it that when your reason is justified, then you'll be redeemed?!"

Silence ensues.  
All I can do is pick myself up for the journey in no particular direction, a corpse waiting to die. I want to kill myself, but I laugh at myself.

"I won't make things so easy for myself."

I add onto my list of offenses. I steal food like a bandit as people cross the barrenness and I eat for my body while killing my already forsaken soul.  
I hide in a cornered area of the world where the light exposes all my offenses whenever I smile so kindly.

That is all before I take another thing's life so that I can prolong my unworthy one.

*/*/*/*

Looking up to the night sky, I put my hands on my hips as everyone's sleeping and the fire's died down. The desert has not changed since back then and I'm still looking on, pretending to know where the hell I'm going. But I walk a bit off and remember my old self prostrating to nothing, sobbing as if someone will hear my lonely cries.

The tears want to well up in my eyes, but I pretend to rub the stinging away as I smile widely. I make believe and hopelessly convince myself that if I do so, then I won't break. Or more of what already is.  
I try to imitate the smile that she left me long ago with sparkling eyes that held all my hope. But I know that deep inside, it will never heal. I close my hand over my mouth.

 **I am not a fallen angel for I wasn't perfect.  
I was a human that turned into a demon out of love for someone.**

Until now, I still don't know where I went wrong.

I won't forgive myself.  
I'm not worthy of killing and I cannot kill myself.

But the thoughts don't stop like an endless flooding. Suicide is something that never leaves once it's sunk inside.

The rain continues to pour inside of me, a desert within itself.

When he stands in back of me, I tell him to go away, but the blond is always such a persistent one. His sneer covers the cold hand that clasps onto my neck and runs its fingers up through my hair, holding on it.

Like small electric shocks, I can still feel something from my deadened senses.

He does not ask and I do not say.  
I don't know how to put into words all the things that have smashed into small cringes encapsulating and suffocating my heart so slowly. He knows there's no use in explanations because they're all worthless.

 **Perception is already colored by what you've been taught,  
what you want,  
and what you want to see there.**

We're waiting, but the morning won't come for a while.  
You make me turn my head. This corrupted priest kisses me, furthering the sins that reach our lips but can't ever be revealed. Silently, you tell me, "I'm not here to help you. I'm not here to judge. I'm just with the kind person I've come to know."

I know there's nothing but to move on forward. I know that no matter what I do, it may not do anything, but I'm still trying to find

the person I lost – the person that can't come back;  
the person I am – someone I can't seem to recognize;  
the person I will be – a being who can finally be human again.

"Why do you want to be that? Isn't that just a title now?" Goku once asked me.

 **No, it isn't really what you think you should be.  
Or how you go about it.**

And I had answered, "It's not to be the person I once was…"  
I touched the place over my numbed, broken heart, "…but to be someone that accepts what's happened inside here."

 _/"I like the desert," I remember telling her long ago when I said it was the most beautiful thing in the world next to her. "You can see the stars so clearly. Not like in the cities. I wish you could see the rain because it only comes once a year."  
"Really? Should we make a trip to see it elsewhere?"/_

But the wind drowns out everything around us while we kiss and I'm seeping into the desert.

The melody of the rain is actually very sweet, did you know? Through its supposed darkness, there is a light unique in its own right. There is a light that only appears through these gloomy clouds and their tears.  
But when I looked around this wide world, how come no was there? Was I the only one who could feel it? I don't understand why nothing else is here.

Was I always meant for this alone?

Forever running through the splashing of broken glass pieces, I do not falter. I reach for that destination whose name I do not know.  
I keep on believing like a child. Someday, I will get to where the rain truly was.

Until then, I haven't been forgiven and I won't let myself be.

On that day, I will be worthy of crying again.

 **Owari.**  
 **-**  
 **Author's note:** This is for Dynamint-san! * smiles * I hope that I was able to deliver a decent Saiyuki fic, since this is my first and I had to go on what I remembered because my discs wouldn't play. So, I tried my very best for you with the character I loved most from this series.

I didn't know who he was then. I just loved his glasses and his green, green eyes.  
And so, when trying to make this fic, I wanted to see if I could reach through the screen and make you believe that Hakkai is more than a character, but a bitterness we dare not say, someone you didn't know was inside yourself.

Love,  
Yui

Friday, July 08, 2005  
1:29:53 AM


End file.
